Trying To Survive And Not Pass On Abuse

by Shel

I grew up being sexually abused by an older sibling. My youngest memories are of being very young, it was just touching, and looking and by the time I was 9 he would preform oral sex and use his fingers.

By 11, it was just flat out oral and anal sex, by the time I was 14 he raped me, to take every ounce of me. He had his friends try and mess with me he did everything he could to humilitate me and degrade me. He beat the crap out me on a daily basis.

My parents worked and he was our caretaker. I always thought I told my mom when I was very young but, SHE says I never said a thing, but deep in my heart I feel I did, she just didn't do anything about it.

When I was 15 I started doing drugs and drinking, the drugs were my favorite, I had nothing to loose by now. I was a full blown party girl in every way and I liked the feeling I had, but I was never in control of my life. I lived on the steets, at friends, any place I could crash.

At 17 I was introduced to a man who was 29. I saw him for about a month, he was a recovering alcoholic just out of rehab. He started changing in his moods, and I could never tell at first what was wrong, I was dumb! He thought I was a virgin and wanted it one night, so he raped me and beat he crap out of me and raped me again as an apology....yeah for me.

The relationship continued out of fear for almost a year of control and abuse, which I mistook for LOVE...we broke up sort of...I just would hide from him, moving from place to place...I eventually got caught by him and got the beating of life by him and my sibling, my wonderful sibling instagated a brutal beating and rape as he watched..they was on ACID at the time.

My next man kicked my face in..literally with his foot, broke my nose, blacked my eyes, my lips, ripped my earlobe half up, and choked me til I had hand prints, I had several stiches that day and still begged the hospital not to call the police. i just denied it all. I finally got free only to go to one abuser after another.

I finally freed myself when I had my last child, blessed with 3 girls I decided i couldn't do it anymore. We was stationed overseas at that time so I lied and said my mom was very ill and I needed to go home. He was a control freak, abuser, liar, cheater, anything to hurt me...he came from an abusive father whom beat them senseless and controled the mother and sisters..i guess he felt that was his right as a husband and father.

I got away at last and ran, and ran and ran... for 2 yrs he didn't see us and by then he'd moved on to another victim and I felt I was free, I got full custody of the girls with no support from him which i'd had none for 2 yrs anyway...I worked and went back to school and got my GED, and eventually met my hubby now..whom I love, if love is what you call it.

My feeling toward men and relationsips are so different than other non abused, sometimes I feel lost or i'm not sure how to feel, dull feelings...my biggest lesson learned was not to repeat the abuse..not to let my girls endure the abuse I did, and most of all not to be like me. I tell them all the time to be themselves strong and independent, I tell them not to depend on anyone financially, so education is extremely important. i just don't want them to suffer as I have or any other victim of any form of abuse.

Side note: Things never changed between my sibling and I. We've had no contact in 16 yrs. He is still alive with a felony on his record, can't find a job and is still a wife beater, that feels he has good excuses and has raised 2 beautiful sons to be (just like daddy)..how sad for the children!

He is still in contact with our parents and mom still takes his side and excuses his actions even after it was confirmed to her what he had done.

She says: That is her child and I should not judge, after all what would I do if it was my child? I am the caregiver to my elderly parents now and I am the one looked down upon for trying to find peace....I honestly feel i'll only have peace when my parents die, and i'm not constantly reminded of the past, I may go to hell for saying that.